Can I Focus?

I’m trying to kill em with kindness. It is hurting my feelings though. She’s treating me like I’m stupid and wasting her time. It’s the tool that’s wasting her time and mine. She’s shaming someone she’s never met through email in a situation she doesn’t fully understand. Maybe she’s going through something. Now I have to go home. Hope it’s good enough.

It feels like nobody is happy with me. That’s not true. Two people are unhappy with me. I have to push through that. Answer K’s email. I have the count, and I can tell her we’ll have someone on site. Not my fault their tool sucks. Probably not her fault either.

Maybe T is one of the people who has trouble delegating because you have to spend time teaching people things. But that’s the part where you get reminded that you actually know things. Maybe he’s not cripplingly insecure. Or maybe he is and it takes a different form for him. He reminds me of my mother regardless. Ok find C’s email. She apologizes to E on my behalf. Wow, process improvement in her job title. She’s a dynamic individual. Clearly.

I could write something passive aggressive. But that wouldn’t serve me. I should try my best to answer.

I feel fear.

Done is going to be better than not done. Perfect isn’t attainable. Done is good. Done badly is still done.

What am I even talking about?

Kelly is already mad about this.

I responded. Good enough. Better than nothing.

I can’t sit around scared. Just make some figures. It’s easy.

This is not all my fault. T didn’t review for a week and a half. I did other stuff in the meantime like start figures and tried to make progress on the text. I tried. What a terrible week. Started two days with emails saying I’m a piece of shit.

Maybe these other people aren’t that amazing. We’re all just fine. Not good not bad. And some of us fit together better than others.

Now that I’m talking to people it’s going suddenly.

I can do this. Don’t make the figure right now. That can be Monday.

Now the memo? No, check the CSM.

I do not lack character. I struggle with underdeveloped executive function.

The drawings look good. D did them, but I did them first and helped him.

Ok do something rather than nothing. Look up the geology in the CSM, then schedule somehting with S for next week, then see if I should email W agian. The memo will have to wait I guess.

I want the bedrock and the depth of the holder and tar well.

And now other report’s level of detail on excavation.

Both of them kind of do the silent treatment, one way worse than the other.

I feel overwhelmed. I think I’m actually doing ok on everything except R, and R has a New Deal. It will take a while to feel ok again.

Why do some people need to constantly put out sounds, smells, and other sensory unpleasantness? Just shut the fuck up, Becky. And quit wearing gross amounts of perfume to places where I have to be. How do you not know this? Just have some consideration.

Could it be hand sanitizer? Seems impossible. Glad I asked her to stop. We have soap and water available, but these people feel the need to sanitize constantly.

I still think it was the other lady and it’s perfume. But it doesn’t matter.

The whole world should ban perfume.

And bright sunlight and loud noises and storms.

I’m so sleepy now. One thing at a time. And then go home.

Now I get two auto replies. Waste of my inbox and time. Not that big a deal.

I made bread. That is an accomplishment. And it tastes great.

This memo is too hard for right now. I should print it out and go home.

I feel like I’m still recovering from my migraine. I want to feed my sourdough. That starts tomorrow. I need to figure out what I need to do. The planner I think.

I think I don’t feel like working. Maybe I still have a bit of migraine and just don’t feel on. Go to the bathroom, delete emails, talk about SB. I can do this.

Not a good week for focus.

I have exactly an hour left. I have to pack up my stuff and maybe write out what I did this week or even do my timesheet. First fill out the task tracker for the report. I can do this.

Hey I filled out the task tracker. Now to do some of the tasks in there. Or timesheet. That would probably make tomorrow easier more than doing more of the tasks in the tracker.

I did a sudoku. I have stuff to do, and it’s even easy. I QCd two items and then lost focus. Come on. Tolerate discomfort a little longer. But I don’t like it.

Everything feels bad because of M’s recent behavior. Ok look up a therapist. Should I wait until after my screening thing? Probably. Could find s

It’s Tuesday now. I didn’t publish but might as well just continue here. I need to get started or I’ll let P down. I want to update that figure. I think it’s actually in the Figures folder so I’ll just find the file path and update from there. Oh I made a new figures folder yesterday. I did start.

I have forced myself to look at R today. One more hour and I can stop.

Now it’s Wednesday. That’s ok. RDIP and then R.

One hour left in the work day. I’ve been pretty productive so far. I worked on my SB drawings and my MC memo. Other stuff too? No R today. Meh my memo was more thorough than S was expecting. And I’ve been focusing pretty well all day.

I could finish my drawings today if I keep focusing. And then maybe even my memo too.

Yeah I’m really sad. I felt depressed all day and didn’t do anything useful

Fuck. No I don’t want to comfort you right now.

Ok no sudoku. Timesheet. Just the excel sheet first. What did I do on Wednesday? Sent email or fuck it.

I feel like I deserve a little break after doing something productive. Like one sentence these days.

Why did I do a sudoku? I filled out the criteria. Well no, I copied them down. Now I need to redo my table.

Focusing is a skill that I can work on and get better at.

Why did I look up an old friend on linkedin? Or try to.

She seems like she’d be a good fit here.

I was going to do sudoku. Why? Because it’s harder to get a dopamine hit from this list of implementability factors.

Had to finish connections I guess. 9 minutes left.

Ok I put my criteria into the table. Now to flesh out the entries in the table. After my 5 minute break.

Now I am not focusing on work because the checkin is looming and I’m scared of it. I actually think I’m in good shape for it. But T is scary. Why am I intimidated by him of all people? He acts like my mother maybe. Seems likeable and cool and then has something snarky and mean out of nowhere. Never happy, nothing is good enough.

I should go outside for a walk instead of sudoku. Honestly. I’m also hungry. More farro. Or toast and PB.

Now I’m tired. I can rally and do a little CAD work.

I have to go to the bathroom. I don’t want to because I haven’t done anything yet today. Just go. Now I really have to.

Ok I went. Everything on the phone will be there later. Put it on work mode. Ok. Now MC notes. It’s not that hard. It’s ok. It’s ok that I have a hard time focusing. I do my best. I don’t blame anyone else.

Mundane update. But also update on the vault work. And the drums.