Can I Focus?

Ok I have the calculation done. Now I need to clean it up so someone else can read it. So I can read it, even.

Ok it’s cleaned up a lot and I can see. Now have to check the inputs because some might be off on the left.

I wish I had looked at the notes right away at the time. But I didn’t. Now I need to try to figure it out. Ok no new stuff after the second drawdown in the first 5 minutes or whatever. That must be what he means. Damn, it seems like he didn’t measure before drawing down. Wait yes 46.1 pre drawdown. Ok NOW it makes sense. Thank fucking god. Ok I can do the actual email later.

9-10 breakfast, scrolling, put in my lunch order on time. And sudoku. I hate myself.

10-11 talked to intern, other people

11-12 talked to P, started cleaning up RTC and called J

After 12 hmm talked to J, had lunch, then worked on Hydrocad

I almost wrote Monday. I got almost nothing done yesterday. I tried. With the proposal. It wasn’t nothing. I identified a starting point, which is hard for me. How am I going to do a whole career like this? How have I done it so far?

I don’t know but not a terrible morning.

More medicine?

I want to crochet instead of work. Let’s work for 10 minutes. I just have to look up something.

Looked it up. So we’re limited by container size.

Ok did that and my email. Now maybe I take a shower and make lunch before I have a call with K. That would probably set me up for success more than fiddling around with training BS.

Ok let’s do K’s task. This is kind of fun. Come on. Let’s do it. The line isn’t complete. Wait that doesn’t matter. omg come on. Ok it’s harder than I thought and that’s why I’ve been avoiding it. Ok I can do this. I keep making little progress and that’s good.

I did it!

Getting a lot of comments is fine. It’s good. It means you care. The delivery can ruin it though. Don’t we know this? Of course we do. Bullying is in the delivery. The insidious kind that you can’t articulate to people.

N just misread me. It’s fine. But she can squirm a little bit when I say it’s been known for months.

Taking meds early seems to make them work better. It’s also a higher dose. Well they did work when I took them super late. They worked at 10pm. So now they’re working at 10am and that’s way better. There’s nothing wrong with being a night owl except not fitting into society.

How is it already 2:30? Oh well go pee and then keep working through the document. I’m almost halfway through probably.

It seems extra hard to focus right now. Right now meaning yesterday and this morning. I think I have the potential to focus this morning if I put my mind to it. I took my meds really early. Taking them late yesterday was bad. At least I noticed the effect.

Ooook let’s see about this report. I can do this. I can at least try and give an update.

What do I complain about the most? My own inability to just get my stuff done. It used to be other people who got under my skin. It’s been so interesting to watch E be so triggered and see the parallels to me at work with K. Other people see the issue but move through it.

Ok what have I done this week? Worked on P stuff. A lot of that. Coord for MC.

I think I need to break this area into two. One for each pipe.

12 days into the year and I feel like I need a break. I had to take a break on Friday, actually. It’s the med change maybe. Just keep going, I can do this.

Both things I need to do are in cad. Figures – last few things I think. I can find out what those are while it opens. Then moving pipes around. Right, the For S version. Just address them one at a time. I can do this.

Ok Tuesday I can just continue here. Need to get into the hydrocad because I have a meeting at 9 tomorrow about it. And that takes me to the end of hte day. Bathroom first. Hey I did it. Now time to go. But I’m ok.

I feel sad right now. I don’t know why. Oh well I guess. I need to get into a routine. When am I supposed to do this meditating? Right when I wake up doesn’t seem fun. What did I do with my planner? And why isn’t that kind available anywhere on the internet? I should go to Target today and look for it. I also want to figure out when all the classes I like are. And make templates for each day of the week morning/night on llama. That way I can see how long they take.

I should note to myself that I am doing some work anyway. Some. And setting myself up for a good week even if today isn’t as good as I want it to be. Today I need to leave for Elyria at 5. Thursday too. Tomorrow is painting class and maybe picking M up from his appt. Wed is free in the evening. Thursday workout. Friday free in the evening.

I could go to CDP classes after the office. There’s good stuff on Wednesdays.

Ok surely I can focus for the length of the Pippin soundtrack. All I want to do is go to class.